suddenly felt how stupid i am...
those things tat will never happen...
i know tat will never happen...
i told myself tat will never happen...
it's a impossible in my life...
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN...
but im still veri stupid... always secretly expect it to happen...
it wont happen
it wont happen
it wont happen....
i juz cant get tis off my mind...
i still exoect it to happen in my life one day...
if im strong enough, if im stubborn enough...
i think i can lead a more comfortable life...
but i still choose to go on the way tat i know it will never lead to the end i like it to be...
i juz cant pretend nt to see the things happened in my eyes...
hope there is a person who can teach how to give up on a person...

TO sips,
i think i can roughly understand how u experience when the guy who said he doesnt like u...
it's so hard to face wat the truth is....
glad tat u can be his close fren after tat...
at least u gain a fren though u lose e chance to be his stead...

i know once u give up on the hope being his stead, u r able to understand him better, n get close to him as a fren...
the relationship is changed, no more awkard, no more carefulness...

u dont spent a long time to juz send a msg to him, coz u wld read it agn n agn before sending...
try to put urself in his shoes, n guess wat wld he think when he see the msg...
u wont wait for his msg, unlike other frens, if he doesnt reply, u wld start guessing wat is he thinking when he saw the msg...
u hardly dare look into his eyes, afraid to see sumthing u dun wan to see in tat mysterious world...
before u dial his number, u wld reherse the opening speech n wat to say n guess his reply n think how to continue it...
ur heart beating veri fast particularly at the moment he pick up the phone...
sumtimes u will get sumble over ur words...
afraid the situation get COLD... afraid to realise tat there is nth to talk...
sumtimes u even afraid to be alone wif him, coz u dun know wat to tok to him...
u will guess wat is he thinking abt u...
take note on whaevea comments he make on u...
memorise down wateva u find which has sumthing to do wif his character, habits....n so on...
u r afraid u take one more step forward...
u sicked to be stuck at the state now, but u r more afraid to be stepped back if he doesnt accept wat u ask for...
u r annoyed by wateva things abt him, but at the same time, u oso like or r used to collect wateva info abt him...
u wan to know wateva he does... his schedule of everyday...
u wan to be alone wif him.... but oso, u r a bit afraid if there is nth to tok...
u try to find the similarity of u two... or even try to touch on the things he like but u used nt to like...
n after all, u cldnt stop thinking (or expecting, lets say...) of ur future...
u combined all the "ifs" n created various outcums of two of u...
it may be bad, may be gd...
may be a happily ever after, may be a touching tragedy...
in conclusion, u find its so hard to find a free space tats without his shadow in ur life...

dun know if its wat u feel the previous days...
haiz.......
hope u will meet ur true love one day... u will be one of the lucky ones...
gal, u r always very strong...
i saw u go thru so many hard times...
u naver fail to stand up once u r beat down...
jiayou...
maybe u r getting more n more disappointed after the failure of searching for the love one...
but im sure, u will get to be stronger...
i know it may be a piece of shit to u at the present times...
to me as well...
but tats how we grow up...
god bless u, u will find the one who treasure u the way as u do to him...
hope everything turn to be the way u want...
tats the most impt thing i think.......
there will be hurt... definitely... but pls to be strong...
remeber the times u r down, u r the only one who can help urself frm getting out of the muds...
jiayou....


(to yuansen, im nt in a mood to reply wat u said... maybe tml i will tell u wat im thinking abt...)